Frenemies

Man oh man! Friendships can be HARD! It can also be hard when you have “enemies”.

I’ve struggled with friendships a lot in my lifetime. It wasn’t until I had my son that I really learned how to have boundaries.

Let me tell you, when people are used to walking all over you and all of a sudden they can’t anymore. Or they take offense to your boundary.. That’s when they typically choose to walk out of your life.

And I know.. It’s hurts like heck.

I used to think, “If they’re so in love with Jesus then they’re a great person and friend! They are perfect!”

Well, That’s not always the case. They aren’t perfect; they aren’t Jesus.

Sometimes friendships are just for a season. It typically takes us a lot of time to see why a friendship ends unfortunately.

Here’s a theme I’ve noticed: They are judging you for your religion choices, it’s hard for them to see you hitting milestones that they might not be yet, they compare themselves to you and your successes, or sometimes it’s they’re judging you for something you did that they didn’t agree with.

James 3:16

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.

Comparison is the thief of JOY

But my friend.. It could be simply that you run to your friend in times of need instead of God. (Or vice versa.) Sometimes God is just saying, it’s the season to run to Him and your friend is going to have to take the sidelines – at least for a little while.

How about when your now “not-friend” starts doing things to emotionally hurt you? But then they talk to you like everything is normal in your friendship. They now become your “frenemy”.

Maybe they really were never your friend to begin with but they find the right moment to “blow-up” on you because they “knew you were so horrible” when you make a mistake.

Ugh. Frenemies.

So when you’re hurt, offended, defensive, etc… what do you do???

My friend, you have got to PRAY.

Mark 12:30-31 says: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

So guess what, when I had a “frenemy” at work, I sure did pray! And hard!

But.. It went something like this..

“Dear Lord. Please, please, please let everyone’s eyes be opened to who they truly are. They are awful and do nothing for anybody or anything. Please replace them with someone who wants to work and actually be here. Amen.”

Uhhh I’m pretty sure God was shaking his head at me in disappointment.

That is not what He means when He says to pray.

My prayers then turned into “God, I’m frustrated and I don’t like them. Can you please replace them? I guess help us to get along in the meantime until you replace them.”

(Me imagining what God was saying) BRITTANY!! SERIOUSLY?? Try. Again.

Then my prayers evolved into this: “Father, please help me to understand them. To show them grace and for them to show me grace for what they don’t understand about me. Please join us in unity to make this job run smooth and the days not feel so long. I pray Lord that you take their hand and guide them as you guide me too. Allow them to be open to hearing your direction for their life and choices. Please Lord also help soften my heart towards them, take down the cold outer shell and help me to be more like you. In Jesus name I pray, amen.”

Let me tell you, that prayer changed everything.

Not only did I pray for them, but I prayed for me. I am not perfect by any means and I allowed God to tell me where my weaknesses were and to work on those myself.

Matthew 5:43 says “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” and then Jesus continues to say in Matthew 5:46 “If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?”

WOW.

So let’s focus on us. How can we be better friends?

1.) Stop the gossip

If someone told you something in confidence, keep it that way. If someone did something you didn’t think was good… Go to them! Not other people.

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one of two other along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ Matthew 18:15-16

Jesus is the one speaking here in the bible. He is telling us how to handle these situations.

Have you ever had a “friend” say something about you to someone else you care about instead of coming to you? Now the third party person knows a half truth (there’s always three sides, your side, their side, and the truth) and they don’t talk to you anymore because they never asked you what happened or what’s going on or how they can lift you up?

Yeah… It hurts like heck. They feel that way when you do it to them too.

2.) Bring in reinforcements.

Jesus says if your friend doesn’t listen to you then to bring 1 or 2 others along. I want you to listen carefully here. This isn’t gossip.

Gossip is telling people something that’s truth or lies about someone for the sake of just having something to talk about. Usually is comes from a place within yourself of pain, offense, or jealousy.

Bringing reinforcements means you want to help your friend and want to see them prosper.

Ex. Your friend is drinking a lot because they are in pain from their spouse dying. They aren’t listening to you but it’s getting serious and they are hurting themselves. So you bring a friend or two to have an intervention to get them help. You don’t want to see your friend destroying their lives or the people around them.

This is done out of love. Do you see the difference?

3.) Be held accountable

If a friend comes to you with something bothering them that you did. Listen. Don’t just get defensive. What does that lead to? Gossip, anger, resentment, and potentially a loss of a friendship.

We are not perfect. Have I messed up as a friend before? Yes, more than I would like to admit unfortunately. Have I had friends that kept me accountable and had the courage to tell me what I was doing was not okay? Absolutely, and they are some of my closest friends.

4.) Pray

If someone is being awful to you, go to God. Not all of your other friends. I used to do this a lot – going to other people instead of God. It always bit me in the butt and I ended up looking like an awful person when I thought I was just protecting myself. We don’t need to do that. God is our protector. He is our defender.

“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. Romans 12:19

5.) Ask God who He wants you to be close to in your life.

I used to have a friend from church that I thought was amazing when I was kid. It took me 30 years to realize she in fact was not someone God wanted me to be close with.

If I could give advice to my younger self it would be this: “When a friend always excludes only you from girl’s nights, laughs about something you did and were proud of, talks about you behind your back, pretends to care about you to your face, and always says to let her know when you’re in town but just wants to gather info about your life to gossip back to others about. My dear… That’s not a friend. There’s people out there that absolutely love you, this one isn’t one and it’s okay to protect your heart and walk away.”

What do godly friendships look like?

• There for you in times of need
• Hold you accountable
• Pray for you
• Cheer you on / support you
• don’t gossip about you
• Provide godly advice

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” Romans 12:21

That “friend” was a huge part of my life for a long time. I wish her absolutely the best in life. I love seeing her family posts and that she’s happy and has overcame a lot in her own life. But no, I do not wish to let her into the details of mine, and that’s okay.

God’s Word is good. In life we will have trouble. We will be hurt and we will lose friends. It’s okay. God brings people in and out of your life for a reason. Maybe it’s temporary and maybe it’s forever.. Trust God’s plans and that He has a reason why.

Don’t worry, friend. God’s got you.